Special concerns for divorcing parents of an adopted child

Divorcing parents tend to be understandably concerned about how their split will affect their children’s lives. Responsible parents do everything they can to minimize their kids’ anxiety and the amount of upheaval they experience as a result of a split with their child’s other parent.

If you have a child that you and your spouse have both adopted, those concerns are likely magnified. This may be particularly true if you adopted an “older” child whose early life was chaotic or even abusive. If they went through multiple foster homes before finding their “forever” family, for example, you may fear that changing your family dynamic will be particularly upsetting for them.

Some divorcing parents with an adopted child even feel some amount of guilt for not being able to continue as the parenting team they were when the child’s birth mother or an adoption agency chose them. Of course, that kind of guilt shouldn’t keep you in an unhappy marriage. That’s not good for your child either.

Reassurance, consistency and stability are key

It’s crucial, though, to be particularly sensitive to how insecure your divorce may make your child. Assuming you’ll be sharing parenting time and responsibilities, you’ll want to focus on reassuring your child the divorce has nothing to do with them and that you’ll continue to be a parenting team. Providing consistency and stability across two homes is important for all separated and divorced parents. So is ensuring that a child isn’t subjected to negativity about either parent. These things are especially important when a child has been adopted.

If your child has a relationship with their birth mother or any other biological relatives, it’s typically best to make sure they maintain that bond moving forward. These relationships can provide much-needed support and stability. Just make sure these family members understand your continued commitment to co-parenting your child and don’t side with one of you over the other. You may even need to include provisions about contact with them in your parenting plan in some way if they have regular contact with your child.

One of the best things that adoptive divorcing parents can do for their child (in most scenarios) is to try to have an amicable divorce and to work out their agreements on their own, with their legal representatives, without having to battle everything out in court. Keeping tension low can benefit everyone under most circumstances.